So I sat and I thought and sat some more. I even tried some of those roll your own cigarettes I wrote about because I heard that nicotine can help clear the cobwebs. (I promise, it was regular tobacco, not that wacky-baccy ;)) Nothing worked and I ended up spending even more time on the porch, puzzling things out.
I started becoming concerned with myself. Normally I can brush things off but I found myself unable to even write a single journal entry, much less a blog post. All I could do is sit there and stare at the screen.
I finally figured out that I was disheartened at the fact that school was out of reach this year. The discovery surprised me; why was I so upset?
I finally came to the conclusion that my depression stems from several things:
- I feel like a complete idiot for messing up that loan. I mean, how stupid could I be to not know I had a $2,000 student loan to pay off? How many times have I gotten more than that in income tax refunds – I could have easily paid it off had I known it was there! What type of idiot does that?
- The desire to go back to school was stronger than I thought. I guess I buried this desire over the years and never acknowledged how badly I really wanted to continue my education.
- I feel as if I’ve wasted too much time already. I’m 43 years old; over half of that has been spent raising kids and trying to do the right thing by my family. When I gave myself permission to go back to school it was like releasing a spring that has been coiled since I was a teen.
- Why even bother going back to school? I’m so old that no one in the computer field will hire me. I’ll be hanging out with people young enough to be my kids….
- Who the hell am I to think that I can go back to school anyway? Seriously, I’m a financial bottom-feeder. I’m so far under the poverty line I can’t even see the thing! I learned how to live on less because I didn’t have a choice and poor people (especially females) don’t go back to school – they find a guy to help them out and accept their lot in life. Who the hell am I to think that I should be any different?
- If I wasn’t such a bottom-feeder I would have the cash to pay off that stupid loan and get on with my life. This falls under “coulda woulda shoulda” but the thought is there regardless.
Wrong or right, these are the thoughts echoing through my skull right now. Since I’m sick of moping it is time I deal with them and move on.
This is my way of acknowledging these thoughts and feelings. I haven’t talked about this even to my physical friends – I’ve just not been ready for that. Instead I’ve put on a happy face while hoping no one notices.
You noticed, though. I’ve got the emails to prove it. That’s why I love you guys – you keep me sane.
I have a choice though. I can sit here and mope or I can figure out a way to make it better. Perhaps I can write enough ebooks to pay off the loan early? That would remove the black mark and allow me to maybe go to school sooner.
What do you think?