Categories
Personal

The Perfect Man

After a year of silence it is time to come clean. I’ve met someone and we’re now committed to a long-term relationship.

I didn’t think it would work out at first. His territorial ways and destructive tendencies had me ready to throw in the towel more than once, but one look into his deep brown eyes would net him complete forgiveness. He’s completely won my heart so it is time to make the relationship official. Meet Pete.

I met Pete in December of 2017. We were busy in the store that evening. I was scanning full-tilt to take care of the crowd when my manager’s voice called to me from across the registers:

“Annie, say yes!” she cried.

“What am I saying ‘yes’ to?” I demanded to know as we both continued to work.

“Just trust me; you’ll love it!” she shouted back.

We bantered back and forth between our registers. I demanded to know what was going on while she laughingly refused to tell me. Finally I gave in. I could always back out if it was horrible, but I had to know what she was raving about.

Once the crowd had dispersed my manager revealed what the fuss was about. A regular was overwhelmed with family obligations so her little boyfriend had to go.

Oh geez. I was ready to back out until she showed me a photo of the guy. He was so tiny, yet he was full-grown! It dawned on me that the pint-sized pup would make a good playmate for my aging Chihuahua Angel. She loves to play but hates playing with larger dogs.

I agreed to pick him up after work that evening. I knew that I had lost my mind but it wasn’t like he would eat much. As soon as I got him home the little monster decided to hike his leg and christen everything.

My daughter decided to call him ‘Pete the Pisser’ for that stunt.

Since he obviously wasn’t housebroken we wrestled a pet crate out of the attic to contain his urinary tendencies since I had to work the next day. I returned home the next evening to discover that my daughter hadn’t taken him out at all since she had arrived home from school.

“I tried to take him out but he growled at me,” Katie complained. “That pissy dog is a piranha!”

Pete the Pisser then became Pete the Pissy Piranha. This dog would develop a serious complex if he ever learned English, I realized as I debated giving him back.

Half the size of my cats, he stuck to me like glue whenever I was home. Bit by bit he hesitantly started to use the bathroom outside. As he grew more comfortable, Pete the Pissy Piranha morphed into Pete the Pissy PITA.

“I hate your dog,” Katie declares every time she scoops him into her arms. “He’s ugly, he’s annoying, and he pisses everywhere.” She then kisses him and croons “yes you do! You piss everywhere, don’t you?”

Pete just grins and wags his tail.

He’s rather dictatorial, too. Ten o’clock at night, every night, he demands to be let out so he can get ready for bed. I’d better be ready because he will nag me non-stop until I go to bed with him. He doesn’t care if I read, fortunately, so I crack open a book to study for a while before I turn out the lights.

The other day at work I decided to make it official. I was approached by a persistent customer and asked out once again.

“I can’t,” I informed him as I pried my hand out of his sweaty palm. “Pete would get jealous.”

“Who’s Pete?” the guy demanded.

“This guy I’ve been seeing for a while. We’ve decided to get serious.”

He sighed, released my hand, and finally wandered off.

Pete must have sensed the change in relationship. When a suitor showed up at my home unannounced, Pete hiked his leg and pissed on the toe of his boot. I forced myself to maintain a straight face as I escorted the oblivious man to the door.

“Sorry but I have to get back to work,” I announced firmly. “Pete’s gonna want his walk soon.”

“You care more about that dog than you do for me!” he complained.

“Yup. Bye!”

I locked the door in his face.

Truth be told I have neither the time nor the desire to pursue a normal relationship. Pete may cost me a fortune in puppy pads but at least he accepts my busy schedule.

Even better, any time I am feeling overwhelmed after a hectic day he’s always ready for a snuggle.

If I’m not careful I’ll end up as one of those crazy ladies with their houses full of pets. Fortunately, Katie plans to take the cats and the cockroach with her when she moves out. When that happens I’ll be down to just the three dogs for company.

I can deal with three dogs but I’ve realized that “crazy animal hoarder” is not a moniker that I intend to wear in my future. As a result, I’ve placed a moratorium on any further pets. Hopefully, I’ll be able to hold myself to it.

Wish me luck.

Do you have any pets in your life? Please share your stories in the comments below.

Categories
Simplicity

Life Without a Remote

We don’t often think about the little conveniences that we have these days. While those of the older generation might remember, many of us tend to forget just how life used to be in the past.

A while back, that reality slammed down on me. I was visiting a friend. We were just hanging out, watching a bit of television while we chatted when his phone rang.

“Here,” he handed me the television remote. “Pick out something to watch while I take this call.”

I stared at the device once he left the room. All of those buttons. Some were to change the channels but others, I gathered, controlled other things like the DVD player and whatnot. Completely befuddled, I played with it. I ended up messing up the television for a moment, switching the channel to another device.

I quickly muted it, then figured out how to get the television back to where it had been previously. Afraid to press my luck I left it like that, completely silent.

My friend returned a few minutes later. “Why did you mute it?” he asked. “I went into the other room so you wouldn’t have to.”

“Oh, I was afraid that the noise would still bother you,” I lied. I wasn’t about to tell him the truth!

He gave me a look and started laughing. “You don’t know how to work the remote, do you?”

I shrugged, embarassed. I’ve used a computer to watch movies on for so long that the devices have outgrown my limited knowledge.

He offered to teach me but I refused. I see no point in learning how to use a device that I have no intentions of owning in the future, so why bother cluttering my mind with useless knowledge? I’ll figure it out if I ever need to…which I hopefully won’t.

Have you ever stumbled upon tech that completely befuddled you? Please share your stories in the comments below.

Categories
Life

Laundry Day

Laundry day is always an adventure in this house. Once we decide that it is time to visit the laundromat we wander through the house to locate any stray items that have managed to avoid being placed in our laundry bin. We bag everything up and stick the whole load into our shopping cart along with our washing supplies.

After gathering everything together for a recent trip I looked down to discover that I was wearing one of my favorite shirts. I needed to wash it as well so that I would be able to wear it before my next laundry day. I tugged it off and tossed it into the bag as well.

“Hmm. I should probably wash my bra too,” I told myself. Off came the bra. Since I was already topless I decided that I might as well change my panties and jeans while I was at it. That way all of my dirty laundry would be taken care of.

Standing buck naked in my kitchen I realized that I needed to wear something. I couldn’t go to the laundromat naked! I padded over to my makeshift closet and dug through the remaining items in search of an outfit that I wouldn’t miss wearing until I did laundry again.

Being a minimalist I didn’t have a lot to choose from. I finally selected an outfit, added some panties to the pile, and decided to go braless for the trip. I was just going up the street; if anyone had a problem with my saggy boobs they could kiss my butt–I wanted all of my bras to be clean!

So there I sat at the laundromat wearing a ragged set of sweats, complete with saggy braless boobs just minding my own business when an absolutely gorgeous guy comes in to dry his laundry. He checked me out and to my surprise started flirting with me.

A friend who decided to meet me at the laundromat leaned close. “This’ll teach you not to dress your best,” she teased in a whisper.

I laughed. “That guy would have kittens if he realized that I wandered around buck naked for ten minutes just to choose this outfit!” I retorted out loud. I wanted to see his reaction to that little comment.

Sure enough, his head whipped around. “What?” he chimed in, eyes wide.

“I wandered around my house naked for ten minutes trying to figure out what I could live without until the next laundry day,” I replied. “Don’t tell me you’ve never done it.”

“Your boyfriend must have enjoyed that,” he grinned.

“Don’t have a boyfriend.”

“Oh.” I could see his eyes sparkle with possibilities.

Of course, my friend decided that this was the perfect time to add her own brand of humor to the encounter.

“She always waits till I’m not home to walk around naked!” she huffed with feigned upset.

I watched Mr. Cutie promptly toss me into a box named ‘lesbian’ and dismiss me from his mind.

“Gee, thanks!” I snarked at my friend after he left.

“You’re welcome,” she replied smugly. “The moment he opened his mouth I knew he wasn’t your type anyway.”

I shook my head. Leave it to your friends to tell it like it is.

Still, he was kinda cute.

Do you have a funny story to tell? Please share it in the comments below.

Categories
Personal

Microsoft Cortana is Evil

Last night I stayed up until two in the morning. I was wired for sound over some Family Business. Normally I don’t get upset over things that don’t directly concern me but I’m very protective of my blood family.

Even with the drama I wanted to wake up bright and early this morning to get some writing done before I had to go to work at my public job. Since I am really hard to wake up after late nights I set several 8am alarms on several devices in hopes that *one* of them would wake me up by 9am to get started.

One of those devices was my new (to me) computer, who has Microsoft Cortana. I told her to wake me up at 8am as an afterthought before I went to bed.

She woke me up all right! I fell off the couch, half peeing my pants and landed on the dog. I had NO IDEA what was going on! When I finally figured out that it was the computer I started screaming at it to shut up.

I had to crawl on my hands and knees over to the stupid machine to turn off the darned alarm. By that point I was WIDE AWAKE and cussing like a sailor.

Best. Alarm clock. Ever. Scared the living daylights out of me but by golly it woke me up.

Since I’ve finally calmed down enough to laugh over it I thought I would share.

Have a nice day!