I ran my bank account a bit lower than I like at the end of August. It was a deliberate choice; not only did I want to give my daughter one last, really nice birthday in light of the fact it may be the last one I spend with her, it was the last time I would have free trading on my investment account. That said, at the end of the month I took my book royalties, chipped in a bit more from my checking account to round it out, and sent the money to Merrill Edge.
And I choked. I completely choked. I didn’t break down and sob like a baby but I had to force myself to sit back, close my eyes, and breathe for several minutes to slow my heart rate before I made my monthly stock purchase.
I mean, what if I’m wrong? What if the criteria I’m using to invest is completely incorrect? What if I lose every penny of the money I’ve scrimped and saved? I’m blinking tears from my eyes right now as I think about it. I don’t know if it’s just hormones. I don’t know if it’s simply the fear of doing something new. I don’t know what is causing this.
All I know is that, right now, the thought is scary.
But I’m not going to stop. I’ve started this path. I’ve set my goal and by golly I’m going to see this through to the bitter end. If I lose it all I’ll just start over. If I don’t do this, if I don’t at least try I know for a fact that I will be doomed to working a public job for the rest of my life, and I don’t want that. What’s the point in struggling so hard if you don’t have at least the hope of a better life in the future?
There is no point if I don’t have hope. I am going to do whatever it takes to achieve financial freedom.
Regardless of my demons.